Campbellville - Ghost City of the Sunshine Coast

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100103 1:56PM

the coochinese are a rabble. if ever i rouse myself from my

pondicherrian slumber, i will route the lot of them

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I hope you are using the american pronunciation here otherwise you will

suffer what is known as Cameleer Syndrome or the Coochin Complaint

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Cochin China was Vietnam, Laos & Cambodia.

The Coochinese originated in this area when beche-de-mer fishermen plied the

waters of Pumicestone Passage before the civilising influence of Pamphlett,

Finnegan & Parsons. They interbred with the Boozervillians & other CES clients

to produce their quaint physiognomy & culture.

You can still see faint evidence of their rice paddies - low earthen walls

capped with an encrustation of multi-hued but badly-weathered coprolite

nodules.

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i didnt know of Cochin china...

can we be sure no indian cochinese rolled into the pleasant waters of what

is now coochin creek?



who is Pamphlett Finnegan and Parsons?



i agree the coochinese are a miserable race overall. they make the beaker

people look like Vikings.

would find more civilisation in the Congo

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No we cannot. The indian cochinese, like the indian mynah, are renowned

wanderers. I spotted one on Mt Bartle Frere on my last climb - a furtive

dark-skinned chap dressed in a turban & loincloth (the latter garment being

used as a headpiece). Who knows what secrets lurk in the hidden folklore of

the coochinese?



Did you know "coochin" means jobstart-eligible CES client in the local Gubbi

Gubbi language?



You mustn't have attended school in Queensland. P F & P were convicts from

the Moreton Bay penal settlement who escaped to Bribie Island. They set up

the first School of Deportment for Young Ladies in Campbellville. In later

years they became forgetful and actually misplaced the said town.

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unbelievably complicated...

maybe only the Bridge Troll knows the full history of Coochin and

surrounds...

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if 'coochin' means jobstart eligible

this establishes jobstart as a fundamental archetype of human [well at least

humanoid] experience.

little wonder it flourished round here

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as for P F and P i have never heard of them. maybe many of the hinterland

and bribie locals are descendants of their collective miscegenation with

wild beasts and natives of the region

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various projects come to mind in this new year which may require your input.

the decimation of the korean gunboats is likely to pacify the Maddock for

the time being so i will re-assign you to Admiral-at-Large to give more

flexibility in your duties. we need to develop the wilds of the Coochin

swamps for agriculture as just one example.



major ambrose

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Wil has reverted to his Gabi-Gabi name of King Benjamin.

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easy. in year zero, ie now, we can de-urbanise the Coochinese, liquidate any

intellectuals and commence the great agrarian leap forward.

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you mean raze their mud huts?

and kill any who can read...

easy done.

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You are treating this matter of your Coochinese kin rather flippantly 

considering your nefarious connection to this clan of Pumicestone boat people. 

In my newly-apponted role as Ambassador At Large, 

I have travelled throughout my province, established dialogue with the Coochin 

and the Gabi Gabi and have researched their sacred books. 

I can now offer you these insights on this ancient race.

 

A Brief History of the Coochinese



Their legendary hero Bevan Barew who who pioneered the route 

from Coochin Creek to the esplanade with his cuttlefish dagger 

and promptly killed the nearest aboriginal by mastication. 

This practice is now frowned upon by the more genteel sections of 

Coochinese society due to less labour-intensive methods now being available, 

but is believed to be to still indulged in by the more traditional afficionadoes of the pastime.

 

Tiny Toodles the Raddler. is The sole surviving raddler from the 

heyday when they all made a fortune Iin the raddling revolution. 

It was first discovered & put to practical use by Tiny's ancestor The Most Worshipful Jason Toodle. 

What is a raddler you may ask? Well a raddler operates a 

clever device known as a raddle. This consists of a sheet of masonite 

or similar materail about 1 metre square. with a hole in one corner. 

They are usually gaily decorated with the colours of the particular 

Coochinese clan (NO, THE BOARD, NOT THE HOLE). 

The only adaptation to modernity for this ancient artefact is a 

length of polypropylene twine knotted through the afore-mentioned hole.

 

The raddle is operated by pulling it using the said twine. 

This was rightfully regarded as the greatest technological achievement

 of the Coochinese since their loss of the modus operandi of the wheel. 

Jason Toodle hit upon the idea of using it to transport household goods 

including firewood coal & payIng passengers between the various 

residences at Coohin. The raddle boom lasted a few short years and 

like all get rich quick schemes, only those who were in the start 

profited by it.However to this day, their ancient raddles adorn the 

mantelpieces of their humble abodes. They are used occasionally by 

their spawnlings to float across Coochin Estuary to play with the elves 

who live on the other side.

 

This seemingly inefficient means of transport is apparently well-suited 

to the Coochinese due to their short legs and partly-webbed feet - an 

adaptation to the muddy environment in which they eke out their existence.

 

The nearest the Coochinese have come to re-inventing the wheel are 

the large circular tupperware hats worn by some of their citizens. 

While not entirely in vogue, they are amazingly waterproof (ie water 

as in rain, not as in Coochin Creek). Historians assert that this 

practice evolved as a result of the Tupperware Wars of the 1960s when 

the Caboolturites, an aggressive southern tribe, demanded the right to sell tupperware to the Coochinese. 

 

I have unearthed these facts by consulting their secret book of 

legends known as the "Coochie-boobuk" and cross-referencing with 

Google searches on the Internet. 

 

If you are serious about finding out more about your Coochin cousins, 

I admonish you to do similar research before they pass into history. 

As you especially would well know, the Campbellville colony has already expired.

 

Postscript to the Bartle Frere "Coochinese":

My derogatory description of this gentleman's apparel was quite 

unjust and incomplete. I should add the following :

His only concession to modesty, if it could be called that, was an 

adornment of the nether parts which was got up with a hastily 

cobbled but rather fetching arrangemnet of yellow ochre, 

partly-chewed betel nut and fairy floss. 

This provoked some excitement & contention amongst several of the ABC listeners in the party.

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I think my "           " euphemism could be safely applied legally for

referring to the less savoury genders of humankind.

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ah yes, i didnt catch that one. very clever. will use in future to avoid the

computer word-spider

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an astounding tour-de-force.

are there any statues or other monuments to Mr Barew?

and, was the Bridg Troll already there, or did he come later to feast on the

coochinese?

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it has been distilled from my copious notes from the Coochin expedition in a

half hour session of inanity at 3am Eastern Standard Time.

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you would have to be drunk to write this. if not, you should be, or

otherwise psychadelisized. no man could write in such inspried fashion while

sober.

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The only monument to Mr Barew is an aerosol inscription on the side of the

fibro grocery & bait supply store - a truly inspiring icon to the legend.

The Coochinese are unaware of the Bridge Troll, as they are of many things.

They assert that having no bridge, there can be no troll.

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I don't need to drink or take drugs to get sober.

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the bait shop in caloundra?

i guess the foolish coochinese suppose their comrades who have been eaten by

the Troll were lost in impenetrable mud in the depths of the coochin swamp

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No - at Coochin Creek.

They told me their "lost" comrades were away masticating. Perhaps they were

masticatees instead. I am a little deaf  and could have misunderstood them.

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they seem a miserable race if they cant even honour their forEbears. shoot

the lot of them and put in some gooks to work the swamps for lily bulbs.

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I am beginning to uderstand the cause of the demise of the Campbellville

denizens. I detect your evil hand in the matter.

I was about to have the province and its inhabitants world heritage listed

if that's ok by you.

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you are right. we ruled campbellville with the same spirit of the Glencoe

massacre.

the swamp when drained and the inhabitants when ossified will make a

suitable nature park.

spare no resources. 2,4,5 D may be requisitioned from the Forestry depot on

Roy's Road.

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ok.

this technique was applied successfully to the Marsh Arabs by Saddam (the

Shittites in the Iraquian vernacular).

fortunately I already have the 245T  and this seems an

admirable use for the product. an area can be excised from the proposed park

for the Campbellites to regain their rightful inheritance.

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we could call the coochinese the marsh grogs.

hard to see how you could make 'arab' any worse. marsh. mud. what else?

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the mud people? no - that's already used in PNG.

I think "Coochinese" says it all.

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i guess mud arab would be a tautology.

if u can eliminate the whole damn lot of them i will allow you to stay on

solid ground the rest of your life and retain the Admiral title, and cede to

you Langley Court for perpetuity.

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Did you know that Tiny Toodle's sister Doris played the part of Gollum in

The Two Towers?

I think the drought might finish them off, however they have the ability to

aestivate in mucus-coated burrows in mangrove mud so 245T could be the go.

Langley Court sounds nice - is it in Beerwah?

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the poetic work 'dubya of the overflow' which i wrote some time ago, do u

still possess it on your files?

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I think of lost it in the October Virus Attack, but will search the

earthernware jars in the cellars of the Great Library of the Port of Coochin

Creek, which is frequented by travelling scholars from all sides of the

Pumicestone Passge.

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the poor sods who beaver away in that rat-infested environment.   went there

once to check on land titles and nearly puked.

ps- dont Think this little favour you are doing me here will help you in any

way in your futile quest to obtain a foot in the door in Langley Hall.

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enduring legacy of the Coochin Cameleer



"always remembered"

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a'll packa nother six pack.. 

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so you're guanaco too ?

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yeah ostrich me rec leave out another week and tag along

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This type of avian sense of humour will never get off the ground

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A contingent of Australian troops will leave for the Middle East tomorrow

to prepare for a possible war in Iraq.Defence Minister Robert Hill has

announced the contingent will comprise Army, Navy and RAAF personnel. HMAS

Jimboola will sail from Sydney. Also deployed will be an RAAF reconnaissance

team and elements of a special forces task group, including cameleers and

the coochin reserve fire brigade.

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There is an internal power struggle between the 2 latter groups, stirred up

by Gerald's CLF taking advantage of the absence of the BVBFB. They all claim

to be conscientious objectors and prefer to control the deteriorating

situation on the home front. They will heed the call to arms as soon as

possible.

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intriguing...

i give gerald the tip to win.

frankly constable ben is a bit slow in the head. the sierra [contrary to

glowing accounts in other chronicles] is not the fervid intellectual cafe

latte set of the coochin west bank. whereas gerald has dealth with some

pretty highbrow in his time..

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send some to the coochin...



  I'll give you an interesting idea that took place in Maine. They've got

Maine lobstermen are now patrolling the coast on a volunteer basis to make

sure that somebody in a -- somebody carrying something they don't want to

carry in a boat shows up on the coast. I mean, there's all kinds of ways to

serve the community.

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